I ponder about friendships often. How they are beneficial and how they can be damaging. Coming from someone who is quite social, even as a child I found it difficult to make friends and keep them. I hear you ask the question, well maybe she’s odd or unkind to people, the answer is genuinely no. I give people my time, i listen and I help wherever I can and often it ends in my own despair. It comes to a point where you think is the constant effort with some a necessity as a friendship should be effortless if its compatible people, surely it should work, if both parties acknowledge the others worth, and have respect not to take advantage. Otherwise its not a friendship at all.
As teenager, I floated between all the cliques in the year. I never truely found a safe space that I could be myself without feeling a little bit judged. I made friends, but eight years later you would only see them at occassions such as a christening, wedding or birthday dinner. Its rare to get a random text saying ‘Hey how are you – Im in your area’. I live a good 17 miles from the city where they go out and a taxi would cost me a days wages alone. I love and miss those girls, still do, but I cannot find the words to say how much I would love them in my life more.
In the summer of 2010, I moved out of my family home. Sharing a house with students, I met an incredible woman who truely changed me. I didnt know it the second I met her, but I realized the day she knocked on my bedroom door to come in and sit because she wasnt feeling too well, she trusted me for help when she needed it. Over the five years that followed, she became the closest person I ever had. I trusted her fully and she was the same. We called each other sisters when people asked on nights out. Although we had disagreements sometimes, we always realized the issue and never brought it back up in conversation again and moved on with our next plan. For five wonderful years she brought out the best in me, encouraged me to be myself and live life to the fullest.
We were there for each other for weddings, funerals, communions, confirmations, her hospital appointments, hours of waiting in rooms for scans and in the end I made it my mission to be there and support her family when she died in February 2015. I lost a beautiful and caring friend that day who took a piece of my heart with her, I was strong and tried not to let on how much in pain I was to mind her sisters over those few days before the burial. I wrote her a letter and it is by her feet in the coffin six feet under with her. She always looked after me and was amazingly loyal.
Two years later, I have a close group of people I trust, love and have so much time for and cannot ever be replaced. Other characters float in, putting on an act of friendship and leaving again. Do you try with these people or not? Are they worth the time? Do you keep them close or cut ties? After such a monumental moment such a losing a best friend, you would think the floaters would understand the cruelty to raise someones hopes that another close relationship can come out of it. Katie will never be replaced, it would be impossible for that to ever happen.