We met when we were young, over 12 years ago. Rather than sit in bed and read a book I wanted to write a few words down to express how I feel about us, the development of our friendship over the years and where we stand now. This piece is not aimed to hurt you, but more explain better so you think and truly understand. At this stage I already know this will not be a short piece but a rather long discussion with myself and you, but written down, and ‘out loud’ for you to see and hear. It is difficult to say, but I am sure that you know, that we have not been friends for a while not because of my decisions, but yours. When I say that, I mean that over time you hurt me and broke my heart harder than any man ever did.
Recently, you kept saying what a bad friend you have been to me. I agreed with you on more recent occasions as I felt the need to acknowledge it, hoping you would see that as confirmation and try and be a better friend. Instead, you took that as a comment and not acknowledge that change was needed. I used to admire you and wanted to be as free spirited as you are but now that I am sitting here, writing this down, I now realize how truly free I am and not afraid to express how I feel anymore. While writing my first draft, at home alone, I had tears streaming down my face with every word because it hurt so much to be truthful to myself, and stop lying to myself that it would all be ok in the end.
Sometimes you were there for me, but I believe only on your terms, when you wanted to be. Not when you were needed. We had some incredible times together and moments of madness but unfortunately the hurtful and cruel moments stuck in my mind more as they made the most impact on me. If you can imagine a hammer and chisel, chiseling away at a precious gem, each hurtful moment chipped a piece of me away. The day you told me that my Dad was cruel to me, the way he didn’t want to make time for me when he was home from working abroad. It was the cruelest comment anyone has ever said to me. You may not have aimed for that comment to be received in that way but it certainly was unnecessary as you know my Dad is the only one in my family I speak to, other than him, I am alone. You kicked me when I was already down. It was speaking the ‘truth’ in your mind, but in mine it was incredibly difficult to hear you acknowledge my thoughts out loud.
The day you told me you were ‘going through things’ and weren’t ready to talk – I understood. I encouraged you and showed support. I was mad and frustrated but I told you I would always be there for you when you were ready to talk, as I always have been. Months of silence passed, you neglected my loyalty and I learned that you decided to talk to someone else about how you were feeling and turning to them for help. When you re-entered my life, it was on your terms again and this time expressing you new found ethos that you felt entitled you to encourage a life of telling the truth to people, treating me as if I was disposable and not giving a single thought to my feelings. One night I answered the phone close to midnight, despite the fact I was in bed going to sleep. I listened to you bitch about a situation you were put in by ‘someone else’ ,how you felt anxiety and needed help. I soothed you. I encouraged you that maybe growing space was needed between you and the person who put you in that situation. You agreed and thanked me for helping to calm you. I saw you every day for the next three or four days. On the final day I saw you, you met me after work and we had discussed plans at the weekend. You said you had a bottle of wine in your bag that you just bought for our night out. On the day of the session, you ignored my calls and texts. After, I found out that you ignored me because you were with that ‘someone else’. This was not the first time something like that happened.
The day you got engaged, I was the first one to call and hear the excitement in your voice. I came to see you a few days later and brought a bottle of champagne to celebrate. You live 15 mins away from my house by car and you havent called down in months, you treat me like I live on another continent when I have visited you numerous times. You barely pick up the phone to contact me. When your pet died, I listened to your teary sobs on the phone and called up to see you as soon as I got the chance. The day my best friend died you made an excuse for why you couldn’t be there for me straight away and showed up later, but not for me. The evening of her removal, you didn’t show. Some elaborate story bout travelling in a car with two seats and three in the car and getting stopped by police, because you thought it was appropriate to bring a person I never respected as she fed you drugs over the years. On that note, I always felt you didn’t think I was ‘cool’ enough because I didn’t do drugs. I always felt that was why you ignored me so much over those years, because I didn’t have anything to get the parties started. It was bigger moments that I needed you and you were not there.
One night, you were pissed as a coot and fell asleep on my bed. In shared housing, the sitting room wasn’t the nicest place for anyone and I didn’t want to wake you. I took off your shoes and threw the duvets over you. I climbed into bed in my pjs, scooted in as far as I could to make room for my partner (who lived there too). He squished in hanging off the edge of the bed for the night. Three of us slept until the morning. I cannot imagine you would ever do something like that for me. You giggled about the situation the next morning, but never once thanked me for not kicking you out to the cold damp sitting room downstairs.
All in all, I look back at the times over the years and see growth. You said to me you never came across someone so strong after all of my family drama, but I think you helped make me a stronger person also. For someone who was meant to be in my corner and wanted to be godmother of my children, how could I ever trust someone who wasn’t there for me. How could you be there for my kids? You made me feel alone. You sent me into a whirlpool of depression which I am trying to fight from still – even though I never discussed that with you and kept to myself. I cried so many tears over your actions as I thought you were my friend who I loved and trusted with every fibre of my being. I gained the strength to write this letter and be open with myself. No one should ever feel the way I have felt, pain and disappointment in someone you trusted. I will continue to gain strength. I needed to be truthful to me, I needed to be truthful to you.